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<  Other People's Projects  ~  Would it be ok if I posted some of my lyrics???

FolkRocker
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:26 pm Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
I have some songs Im workin on and I dont have anyone to share them with to critic them for me. There pretty much all protest style Woody Guthrie like songs Ive been workin on recently. Would anyone be interested in helping me out? I hope there aint any lyric pirates around, but Im not really worried about that.
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indeedinoditsistern
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:58 pm Reply with quote
*Garfunkled* Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 1523 Location: Hokes Bluff AL.
FolkRocker wrote:
I have some songs Im workin on and I dont have anyone to share them with to critic them for me. There pretty much all protest style Woody Guthrie like songs Ive been workin on recently. Would anyone be interested in helping me out? I hope there aint any lyric pirates around, but Im not really worried about that.

ya do it. i tried to start somethin similar and goofier
HERE
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GumboStu
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 3:46 pm Reply with quote
*Irish Stew* Joined: 03 Oct 2007 Posts: 3666 Location: Joe's Cornfield
Quote:
I hope there aint any lyric pirates around

I wrote some Pirate Lyrics - does that count? Laughing

Fire away, FolkRocker.

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FolkRocker
Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 6:18 pm Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
OK here we go, this ones about mountain top removal, Im from West Virginia so it hits close to home.

Mountain Ballad

The headlines in the papers wont say
But they're bombin the USA
All around in small mountain towns
They're bombin the US today

They'll blow the mountain tops clean
Block out the sum and the streams
They've started a war, against the poor
They're bombin the US today

There is gold in them hills
You pay for it in your electric bill
Now is the hour to find a new power
They're bombin the US today

Mister head of the EPA
Can't you hear what we say
The big coal man has blood on his hands
They're bombin the US today

The bombs took honest jobs away
From miners who work for their pay
Almost heaven has been blown to Hell
They're bombin the US today

West Virginia mountain mama
Will soon be a desolated bastard
If we don't take control of our country roads
They're bombin the US today

I'll die before I let them put a mine in my town
And I'll fight untill they're all shut down
They started the fight, but we'll win the war
They're bombin the US today

What do ya think, I really need some constructive criticism.
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GumboStu
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:57 am Reply with quote
*Irish Stew* Joined: 03 Oct 2007 Posts: 3666 Location: Joe's Cornfield
Gotcha! I like where this is going and I can kind of hear Ian Felice singing it for some reason. And I like the internal rhyme in the third lines.

Two crits:
is there a comma after West Virginia (a la John Denver perhaps)

ie West Virginia, Mountain Mama

if not I don't get that verse

AND
in one verse the miners have/had honest jobs, and in another you'd die before letting them open a mine locally.

This gets my critic inner riled which distracts me from the song. Maybe that doesn't seem like a conflict to others but I'd be looking to rephrase those verses somehow to get them to work together more.

Good stuff, though, when do we get to hear a demo Very Happy

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FolkRocker
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:10 am Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
GumboStu wrote:
Gotcha! I like where this is going and I can kind of hear Ian Felice singing it for some reason. And I like the internal rhyme in the third lines.

Two crits:
is there a comma after West Virginia (a la John Denver perhaps)

ie West Virginia, Mountain Mama

if not I don't get that verse

AND
in one verse the miners have/had honest jobs, and in another you'd die before letting them open a mine locally.

This gets my critic inner riled which distracts me from the song. Maybe that doesn't seem like a conflict to others but I'd be looking to rephrase those verses somehow to get them to work together more.

Good stuff, though, when do we get to hear a demo Very Happy


Gottcha, The way I sing West Virginia mountain mama there is pause sorta so yea a comma should go there.

The bombs took honest jobs away
From miners who workED for their pay

Mountain top removal mining actually hurts miners because it uses machines to mine, instead of hiring more workers to do the actually mining. I have absolutely no problem with traditional mining. Ill work on it and see what I can do to make that clear. Thanks a lot.
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Makinbacon
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:10 am Reply with quote
Old Crow Joined: 24 Sep 2008 Posts: 567 Location: Bacon's Castle, Virginia
I feel like the rhythm for "Bobcat Tracks" would go well with this.
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FolkRocker
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:13 am Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
Makinbacon wrote:
I feel like the rhythm for "Bobcat Tracks" would go well with this.


I love bobcat tracks, but this is more of a ballad

Dm, C, G
Dm, C, G
Dm, C, Am, G
Dm, C, G

Ill get a demo up this weekend hopefully Im doing a recording for someone else and while Im at the studio Ill track this.
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Makinbacon
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:17 am Reply with quote
Old Crow Joined: 24 Sep 2008 Posts: 567 Location: Bacon's Castle, Virginia
Kinda sounds like the way Bob Dylan writes a few songs...

ie "Who Killed Davey Moore"
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FolkRocker
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:23 am Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
Makinbacon wrote:
Kinda sounds like the way Bob Dylan writes a few songs...

ie "Who Killed Davey Moore"


Yeah its defiantly along those lines. What do you think of it? Ill take any criticism I can get.
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Makinbacon
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:27 am Reply with quote
Old Crow Joined: 24 Sep 2008 Posts: 567 Location: Bacon's Castle, Virginia
FolkRocker wrote:
Yeah its defiantly along those lines. What do you think of it? Ill take any criticism I can get.


I'm still piecing my critic together...I'll get back to you though fo sho!
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Makinbacon
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:34 pm Reply with quote
Old Crow Joined: 24 Sep 2008 Posts: 567 Location: Bacon's Castle, Virginia
Too much repetition with the 4th line of each stanza
"They're bombin the US today"

Quote:

West Virginia mountain mama


unoriginal.

Quote:
They'll blow the mountain tops clean
Block out the sum and the streams
They've started a war, against the poor


dig it...however, do you mean sun? also, maybe "block out the sun and dry our streams?

Also who is bombing the United States?

I agree with gumbo about the internal rhyming

Quote:
The bombs took honest jobs away
From miners who work for their pay


Like it.

Over-all I feel as if I need to hear a demo in order to properly understand how the lyrics flow. That being said, it seems to be heading in a good direction. I'm curious thougg, have you written more songs, if so what made you put this one up instead of the others?
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kg
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 3:36 pm Reply with quote
*Data Miner* Joined: 30 Jun 2007 Posts: 3427
I agree with my friends above; it's very hard to critique lyrics without hearing the tune also. Sometimes lyrics stand on their own without the music, but, let's face it, it's a rarity with even the best artists.

I'd like to politely recommend that you cut the next to last verse. It's a bit too clever, if you know what I mean.

Also, 'bombing' is a bit ambiguous. Maybe rework things so you can say 'blasting' or 'blast.' (Blast, last, fast, past, and even rasp and gasp make good rhymes.)

See what you asked for?! Keep up the good work, man!

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Even though you can't expect to defeat the absurdity of the world, you must make that attempt. That's morality, that's religion. That's art. That's life. --Phil Ochs
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FolkRocker
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 6:01 pm Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
Ok here is the revised version

Mountain Ballad

The headlines in the papers won’t say
But they're bombing the USA
All around in small mountain towns
Where coal and traditions run deep

They'll blow the mountain tops clean
And dry up all of our streams
They've waged a war, against the poor
They're bombing the US Today

There is gold in them hills
You pay for it in your electric bill
Now is the hour to find a new power
So our kids will have somewhere to play

Mister head of the EPA
Can't you hear what we say
The big coal man, has blood on his hands
That the Governor gladly wipes clean

The bombs took honest jobs away
From miners who worked for their pay
It takes less time and is cheaper to mine
When you let machines do all the work

Sludge ponds and valley fills
Drove people from their homes in the hills
Just ask the folks from Blair, see if they care
That strip mining has destroyed their town

Now Im asking for your hand
To help us take back our land
Massey Coal has got to go
Join up and get organized today

And once again our mountains can sing
Guitars and fiddles will ring
They started the fight, but we will win this war
(((((((Outro))))))))
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FolkRocker
Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 6:05 pm Reply with quote
Raisin' a Ruckus Joined: 27 Nov 2008 Posts: 50
[quote="have you written more songs, if so what made you put this one up instead of the others?[/quote]

Yeah Ive wrote more ( and can post them if you guys want me to), but Im a member of Mountain Justice and they want musicians to perform songs about MTR mining and Im recording some demos this Sunday and am trying to get everything together and fill out the copyright forms and get everything official.



Thank for the help everyone, let me know what you think of the new version
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Makinbacon
Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:31 pm Reply with quote
Old Crow Joined: 24 Sep 2008 Posts: 567 Location: Bacon's Castle, Virginia
Overall I feel that the latter version is superior to the formal. However, there are a few things that need addressing. Nothing major but just what I feel could strengthen this song.

I'm trying to imagine how I would sing this song...soo lets see.
Quote:

The bombs took honest jobs away
From miners who worked for their pay
It takes less time and is cheaper to mine
When you let machines do all the work


I feel this stanza would be better off if you had an end ryhmed in the 4th line with the 2nd (aaba). Perhaps a reworked line could be "When you let machines do (or "have") things their way"

Quote:
Sludge ponds and valley fills
Drove people from their homes in the hills
Just ask the folks from Blair, see if they care
That strip mining has destroyed their town


Same with this one..."They can barely afford the damn bus fare" I dunno but is that diverging to much from your overall message? I'm just trying to give you ideas.

Quote:

And once again our mountains can sing
Guitars and fiddles will ring
They started the fight, but we will win this war
(((((((Outro))))))))


Perhaps you could place "They're bombing the US today" as the 4th line in this last stanza?

Great job with the revision. I hope my suggestions can be of use. Do what you feel will better this song, after all it is yours. Good luck!
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Dan
Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:14 am Reply with quote
Tearin' it Down Joined: 12 Nov 2005 Posts: 207 Location: Rockland County NY
Nice lyrics.

My only critic would be trust yourself, unless you have a lyric you can't seem to finish and you know someone who can help. Trust yourself you don't need anyone else to critic it for you.
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